Because I’m Stupid

That’s the answer: because I’m stupid.  The question is: why am I up, and on the computer, at 1am?

I should be asleep.  I know that.  I should have been asleep three hours ago.  But I’m not.  I’m up.  First, I watched like, four episodes of Prison Break, Season 1 on my iPhone.  We’ll get into how much I like that show in a minute.  But then I sat down to download the next few shows to my iPhone.  And we’ll get into how much I love my iPhone in a minute, too.  So then I started surfing blogs.  I find myself in neat little blog circles: my latest is Kristabella, Hotfessional, Amber, Nothing But Bonfires, SuperBlondGirl, and a couple others.  But I love those five.  And Veaj and ‘Rezzie.  Always those two.  And she of the awesome blog name.  I miss a few, too.  Like A*, and Dan, and Hof.  And MooCow.  For those of you who knew MooCow, you were truly blessed.  Luke wrote a great couple of blogs: no one could bottle up the crazy like him.

Anyway, back to my being stupid.  I sometimes see these patterns in my life.  I don’t know why I’m unhappy right now.  But I know myself well enough to know that staying up like this, making myself miserable tomorrow, is a sure sign that I’m upset about something.  I don’t know what, though, and that makes it difficult to solve the problem.  And I’m a guy, we solve problems.  I don’t think it’s my wife: we’re actually doing very well right now.  I’m really not sure.  I would normally say that it’s got to be the wife.  Maybe work.  I just got my bonus numbers and—while they’re not what I had hoped for—they’re certainly respectable.  And better than last year.  And within 15% of what I had hoped for.  So I can’t really complain.  But I wanted a little more recognition, maybe.  I don’t know.

What I’m sure of is that it’s now 1:12 am, and I’m still up.   And at the keyboard, typing.  I know that I carry around a lot of stress: I’m responsible for providing for my family, a wife and four wonderful children who, if I do my job right, won’t want for anything.  Well, anything important.   So I carry that around with me.  And my wife doesn’t work.  We made that decision together, and I’m proud that we can do it, but it really puts all that pressure on me.  And add to that the fact that neither my wife nor I are particularly financially responsible.  We’re both the spend-what-you-have types.  Normally, you’d find one partner of the couple who is the financially responsible one.  But with both of us, we’re lucky any bills get paid on time.

One of my best traits is that I have my head screwed on straight.  So I know that all these things are fake complaints.  Thank G-d, I have it really good: health, children, a wife that loves me.

What I don’t have right now is sleep.  And I’ve always been bad at that.  I have a pretty severe case of sleep apnea.  Which is no fun at all.  I sleep with a mask over my face so I don’t suffocate when I sleep.  On the other hand, I wouldn’t sleep anyway because my wonderful kids love to cuddle up to their Daddy.  Which means I sleep with one child on one shoulder, another on the other, and a third across my chest.  Which I’ve said before, and meant, that I wouldn’t change if I could.

But none of that is why I’m not asleep right now.  I sometimes feel like if I go to sleep, I’ll be missing something.  Or maybe I’m just not excited about starting tomorrow.  Which isn’t a great way to be.  Normally, I’m always excited about tomorrow.  But I guess not tonight.  Tonight I’m stuck in tonight.  And it’s not like tonight has been that great.  Just TV.  Of course, then I watched Prison Break.  I really like that show; at least, I like the first half of the first season.  Interesting premise.  Although, I’m not sure how they did a second and third season.  After all, the whole thing is about how meticulously planned this break-out is.  What, he then meticulously plans another prison break?  Somewhere else?  I think not.

1:25am.  Time to maybe get into bed.  After all, my first call tomorrow—while on vacation, mind you—is at 7am.  Yeah, I’m going to be miserable.

Dammit, what am I unhappy about?  If I could figure it out, and solve it, then maybe I’d be more responsible.


4 responses to “Because I’m Stupid

  1. Pingback: Because I’m Stupid

  2. Hey, thanks for the link! And I would love to be able to say something all insightful and helpful here about the unhappiness, but I go through bouts of this too from time to time, and damned if I know why. I think it’s the weather, though. Well, it’s handy to blame something. Either the weather or the dog…

  3. I’ve been doing that recently, too – staying up late for no reason except that…. well, really, no reason at all. One night I read, but mostly because I was up. The other night I finally blogged because I was already up, why not? Last night it was that E got us cable again, so we were watching bad TV.
    Maybe it’s the season, the weather, something like that? It’s rainy and weird here, not winter at all even though it should be.
    Hopefully you managed okay this morning after your tiny amount of sleep!

  4. Clearly you are not stupid if you’re reading me, Hotfessional and Amber. 🙂

    I do the SAME things. I’ve had to force myself to go to bed at 11 each night because I want to stay up on the computer and read blogs. Because I’m afraid to miss something too.

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